Good morning,
Another busy week of coursework, the game of space invaders was handed in last night. not the best it could have been, but it did everything needed. I won't put it on the web, because I couldn't get it working at home, and its not particularly worth you trying either. I've always been bad at programming, I think it's due to my poor maths, went to see Janet Duffin in the Maths Advisory Centre last Friday, she's great, but just highlighted the fact that if I want to get beter, I need to practise my basic maths, not the most interesting thing to be doing. Also went ot the disabilities office, who said that after testing, I didn;t have dyslexia, but had problems with maths and short term memory. Only one more piece of coursework on User Interface Design, in for wednesday, then a group work report which we're already written in for week 12. First exam on the 22nd May. Last on the 5th June. My latest mad cap scheme is to cycle from Hull to Watford (London), mum and dad are coming to pick me up the weekend after my exams, so I hope that they will leave me with just enough stuff to take home on a bike. My friend Chris may come along too. last week went to the disabilities office, who said that after testing, I did not have dyslexia, but had problems with maths, oh, and short term memory.

Went down to Hull homeless and routeless project for the second time on wednesday. Serving food to homless people, very interesting, but for the first time ever, I found I didn't have much in common with anyone there, I'll keep going down though, it's a great atmosphere amongst the volunteers there, and things will probably become easier as I get to know people.

The International Students Association's Culture night was a brilliant success, really funny, everyone rememeber all their lines and came on at the right times, but a few problems with the music. Two friends I met in China came over from Leeds, Jaemie and cathy. They saw 10 minutes from each country which saw greeks, indians, vietnamese, french, german, african and loads more groups doing pieces on stage. the asian team came first, with some great bollywood dancing.


Our piece was a 10 minute sketch on british stereotypes:

Bloody Brits 1.2 April 20th

Football hooligan – dressed in an England shirt and shorts.
Waiter - mediteranian looking, dressed in black and white as waiter, with moustache, pad and tray and cloth.
Prince Phillip = dressed in tweed jacket and cap and wellies, shotgun, sword, dead fox.
The Queen - dressed in royal stuff, with crown.
Posh spice - tart, high heels, skimpy clothing, tiara, sun glasses, dole gabbanna top with big logo or similar.
David beckham - football kit, shorts, boots perhaps,
Morris dancer - bells, hankey. Sticks perhaps.

Props: tray, cloth, pint glasses, wine glasses, bottle of champagne, plates, cutlery, 3 tables, television, baby carrier or pram. Dog lead for bechham, “Le Menu” menus’. Football for beckham.

Music: Archers theme tune radio 4.
Spanish costa del sol music, Macarena perhaps.
Footballs coming home.
National Anthem
Sound FX.
Background chatter, clinking of glasses.
Glass smashing
Football crowd noises & commentary perhaps.
1966 world cup, they think its all over,,, it is now.
Clock Chiming

Scene opens in a restaurant in “Costa del Bogna.” Spanish music, the clinking of wine glasses and background chat. Two tables are in the foreground, one at the back in the middle, with a TV on it.
Lights: lights, bright sunshine, full stage
___________________________________________________________________

Music: Archers theme starts.
Enter Morris dancer stage left.
Enter Hooligan stage right.
Holligan: (Sings) It’s coming home, It’s coming Etc.etc.
As they cross in the middle, the Hooligan pushes the Morris Dancer and he falls over.
(Hooligan sits down at table 2 in centre at back and turns on tv and starts watching match. Morris Dancer gets up and exits stage left.)
Sfx: football game starts, fades down to background.

Waiter enters Stage Left and walks past the Hooligan.
Hooligan: Hey! Garcon! (clicks fingers) Une Beer pour favour, sil vous plait.
Morris dancer enters to Archers music. Dances across stage and off again.
Waiter: Que?
Hooligan: (SHOUTS) Une beer, pint of, pint! (gestures with hands)
Waiter: Si senor
Enter King and Queen, stage right, waiter ushers them to the right hand table and gets out pad.
Phillip: You said this was 3 star not 3rd world!
Queen: Oh do be quiet Philip,
(They look at the menu together, but it’s upside down)
Posh enters and can be seen stage left with a pair of binoculars watching the royals.
Posh: (she screams) Brooklyn, David, get over here, naaaaaooow.
Queen: (the queen clears her throat politely), we’ll have some salmon steaks and a little caviar please.
Waiter: Que?
Philip: Yes and a bottle of champers.
Waiter: Que?
Queen: Salmon! You know… (Does a fish impression)
Waiter: Que?
Philip: Champagne, Champagne nyer!
Waiter looks confused.
Queen: Oh, and some chips of course!
Waiter: Que?
Philip: Do they not speak English here? I thought this was one of our colonies?
Queen:I forget Philip dear… I’ve gone and left the damn list at home somewhere, but you know, each time I find it, it’s shorter than I remember.
Waiter still looks confused.
Philip: Well! What are you waiting for? You have our order, is it my fault you don’t speak my language, go find someone who does!
Waiter: Si Senor.

Waiter exits towards stage left, ushers Posh and Becks to their table on the left, waiter exits. Beckham is tied to posh’s waste with a dog lead. They sit down at table, posh does her make-up, brushes her hair, then does beckhams. They read the menu’s upside down.

Posh: They’re sat over there David.
Beckham: What
Posh: (posh shouts off-stage) BROOKLYN put that down, what have I told you!
King and Queen alerted by shouting
Queen: Oh God Philip, wherever one goes they always follow. Bloody paparatzi.
Philip: Bloody working class!
Queen: If one ignores them, they may go away.
Philip: yes, this stinking heat is really getting to me. (He waves his hand)
Queen: I know dear, there are flies everywhere. (She waves the flies away, accidentally doing a royal wave)

Back to Posh and Becks. Posh notices the wave, and thinks it was at her.
Waiter comes back on with drink for hooligan, serves him,

Posh: (Excitedly she screams) Did you see that Dave, she just waved me! … Just play it cool Vic’s, play it cool! (Posh does a royal wave back and raises sun glasses) We’re in there Dave we’ve in there!

Waiter comes back over to posh and becks, he gets his pad out. He turns the menu the right way around.

Waiter: Ci?
Posh: We’ll have what they’re having.
Waiter: Que?
Posh: What they’re having? Salmon! (Does fish impression)
Beckham: (whinging) But I don’t like fish!
Posh: Oh shut up David! You’ll get what you’re given!
Posh: (to the waiter) Oh and some chips
Waiter: Que?
Posh: Potatoes? (does chopping impression)
Waiter: Que?
Posh: What’s the matter, don’t you speak English? This is part of Europe isn’t it?
Waiter: Si senoiritta.
Waiter exits stage right

Enter Morris dancer and music. He dances over to King and Queen.
Morris Dancer: Excuse me, Have you seen my troup?
Philip: My goodness, are you the court Jester? (he continues to dance).
Queen: No Philip he’s a Morris dancer!
Philip: Bloody Gays.
Morris Dancer: I’m from the International Morris Dancers Association. We’re holding our Annual conference and competition here.
Philip: Annual what?
Morris Dancer: You’d be surprised how popular Morris dancing is around the globe. But the trouble is I’ve lost my troup, I think they may have got on the wrong flight. Please let them know I’m looking for them if you see them.
Queen: yes dear.

Waiter enters stage right, brings over the food and serves it. Then exits stage right again. Music starts again, Morris dancer dances over to the hooligan and around the telly.


Morris Dancer: Excuse me… have you seen my…
Hooligan: Get out of the way!
throws glass at him, misses but smashes
Morris Dancer: Never mind!
Morris dancer dances away
(Hooligan jumps up and screams!).
Hooligan: GOAL!! Come on England!!
(David looks down miserably)
Beckham: I should be there Victoria!
Posh: (she screams loudly Phillip can here) Korea! NO thank you.
Philip: (shouts from across the room.) Korea, BLOODY …
Queen: PHILIP (Queen shouts to shut him up) Why does one always have to make a scene?

(Waiter enters stage right with a meal for Posh and becks)
Posh: (yelling) Brooklyn! Dinner!
Posh pulls out a baby bib and puts it on David
(Waiter serves meal)
Beckham: Can you cut it up for me please.
Posh: Oh david it really is about time you learnt to do this for yourself you know.

(Waiter finishes, goes to walk off stage left)

Hooligan: More Beer, more beer. WAITER!, GARCON!
Waiter: Que?
(Waiter goes to serve holligan again.)

Music: archers:
(Morris dancer dances on again, upto posh and becks.)
Music: fades down

Morris Dancer: Excuse me Have you seen my Morris dancing troop?
Posh: oh ‘ello love, No sorry we havn’t.

Morris Dancer: Okay, thank you anyway, enjoy your meal.

Music: volume up again.
(Morris dancer dances off and talks to waiter in middle of stage))
Beckham: Whats a morris dancing troop?
Posh: I dunno, (they both giggle stupidly)
Posh: come on david, open wide, be a good boy.
(David opens his mouth, posh feeds him.)
Posh: He shoots.
Sfx: “They think it’s all over”
Posh: He scores! (she sticks fork into his mouth)
Goal is scored on TV match. Hooligan gets up, so does Beckham!
Hooligan: GOOALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
Soundfx: “It is now”.
National Anthem begins. Everyone stands.

(Half way through, Queen starts choking, spins round in middle of stage over acting. David moves into catch her. She meets David in middle of stage, goes into arms of David)
Posh: Who Do You Think You Are Some Kind Of Superstar!

David: No Vicky, Its serious, I think she’s choking
Posh: Don’t call me Vicky
(David gives Queenhienlik manoeuvre, she grabs a hankey from the morris dancer and throws up a salmon bone into it)

(Queen recovers gets crown from floor)
Philip: Are you alright, old girl?
Queen:Yes, no thanks to you!
Queen:Thank you young man, how could one ever repay you for saving ones life?
(Posh whispers in Davids Ear. Posh pushes David too floor where David ends up kneeling on floor).
(Phillip gets out sword, Queen turns to david)
becks: Sorry, Sorry please don’t kill me.
Queen: Oh don’t be a fool… I was going to knite you. I knight you Sir David Beckham, on behalf of the empire…
Phillip: (Under his breath but audible) What bloody empire we gave it all back!
Queen:That you may serve for your queen … and your country.
David: Thank you mrs Majesty.
Posh: Does that make me a Lady?
Phillip: Not bloody likely!
Queen:Arise sir Beckham, and all the balls you kick.
Beckham: Thank you Elizabath, you truly are a remarkable lady, who has faced up to the challenge of a modern monarchy amidst constitutional reform and an ever changing demographic of the united kingdom. (add some other long un-beckham like words)
Queen:yes, I have havn’t I. (she does a royal wave)

SFX: In distance a clock is heard to Chime. (Morris dancer looks at his watch and realises that it is time for the competition, But his troup are still not here.)

Morris Dancer: Oh my goodness, it’s 6 o’clock! The morris dancing competition starts in 10 minutes and my troup have still not turned up! We will be expelled from the international society of Morris Dancers if we do not enter a team! Britain will be the laughing stock of the world.
Phillip: Over my dead body! Come on, there’s still time, lets dance like we’ve never danced before.
(Everyone grabs bells from morris dancer, serviettes from waiter, and Morris dances off to the Archers theme tune Music: Archers)

The End.

Written by all of us involved in it.